Me, myself, and not otherself

It's been 20 years (almost 21 years), since my first breath on this earth. Wow. It had been that long. But why I'm still the same? The old me? The year 1427H are going to pass. The new year 1428 is nearing. But why I didn't change? Or maybe I've changed. But to my worst. How could this happening to me?

Thank you AllAH for everything that you had given to me all this time. The breath that I take everyday, the foods, the brain, the hands, the legs, the feeling of being lonely, the feeling of joy, the feeling to be love by somebody or anybody, the feeling being appreciated, and all of those feelings. The knowledge that you had given me, the time that you had spent to hear my prays, the love of my family, and all that I have and what I'm today, it's all thank to you.

But do I really mean that word? Thank You? It's seems as simple as saying the word. But the truth is that, it's something that you don't just say it. It's something that you had to apply it, something that you had to make it true by enslaving yourself to HIM, to HIS religion, to HIS kingdom, and to HIM only HIM.

For me, after 20 years of being here, walking this path on this very moment on HIS earth, it never been a single second that I dedicate my life to HIM. I always said that I want to get HIS love. But it's never been a single action in my life that wanting to be love by HIM. I keep thinking, why I'm behaving like this? I always hoping for somebody to come over and guide me to the right path. But it seems to be impossible in this way. Whenever HE gave me some of HIS ni3mah, I keep forget HIM. When HE send HIS trial upon me, I'll be standing on my knee hoping HE will help me. But then when everything turn to normal again, I forgot about HIM again. I don't get it. Why I'm behaving like this.

I'm hoping that in the new year of Hijrah, I'll be someone new. Someone that no one had seen before. I'll be somebody stronger and more faithful to HIS promise, to HIS power and to everything that can be seen or not. O AllAH, lend my some strength to endure this. And may you won't turn me into something that none had wish for; a betrayal. For YOU, YOU are the only one who can do anything to everything. Please unburden me with my gloomy and dark past. Let me see a bright future. A future that will unite every muslim under one banner; banner of truth.

And to all my fellow friends even if I'm not somebody, I just wanna let you guys know that this is only a temporary stop of a longer journey. Never make it your shelter. Never bow to it. Unless you think you can be here forever. Never ever think that this life had nothing to do accept to bow to it. It's may sound harsh, but remember that in the after life you'll understand everything. Believe in HIM as all the Messenger and their companion had done in the past. And may what we had today, will be count as hassanah.